After getting beaten over the head, time and again these past few weeks with the theme of “failure,” both my own and others, I decided it was time to take a stand.  So here is the stand I have chosen to take:

Failure: What a Blessing!!!

How sad a state of affairs when the only view we can take of failure is the negative; failure as proof that we “can’t” or “shouldn’t have” or that we aren’t “good enough, smart enough or talented enough.” Failure is so much better than that.

“Failure is not an option!” Says who, and what in the world do they know?  Of course failure is an option.  If success is an option than failure is an option. There are, after all, two sides to everything.  For every up there is a down, for every top a bottom, for every left a right, for every in an out… Of course failure is an option. And sometimes we choose it, if not consciously, then unconsciously by inaction. What failure is not, is the end.

If you are alive enough to realize you have failed, you are alive enough to do something about it.  Failure is insight! It’s power! It’s wisdom! And so much more. Instead of being afraid of failure, or downright desponded or depressed if you have “failed” to meet a goal or objective, what if you thought: “Wow! What a blessing!?”

J.K. Rowling of Harry Potter fame said “It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all.  In which case, you failed by default.”

It’s reported that Thomas Edison failed over a thousand times in route to the light bulb, and when asked about it he replied: “I haven’t failed, I have simply found 1,000 ways that don’t work!” Now THAT’S a blessing.

Even I have fallen prey to the overwhelming feelings of failure. That feeling that, man, if only I knew then what I know now…! Well, I’ve got some great news for you.  You know now what you know now. And the question at hand isn’t why did you fail? It’s how can you succeed from here! Sometimes you have to pull back the troops and regroup; live to fight another day, so to speak. Sometimes, you have to simply barrel forward. Sometime you even have to abandon ship and start over again. It doesn’t matter what shape failure takes, all failure is, is an indication that the methods chosen up to this point are not in alignment to achieve the goals you seek. Instead of beating yourself up for the “mistakes” you made, revel in the new found knowledge of the outcome and then step forward. Take action. Choose.

Failure could be defined as that emotional state where the past is controlling the present. In other words, living in what could have been rather than what is. If that were true, than success is nothing more than that emotional state or presence where the present is in charge, learns from the past and consciously and deliberately chooses the future. After all, it ain’t over til it’s over.

What a blessing to have learned ways that don’t work so that you can choose from a smaller list of possibilities that might work. With less choices you are more likely to hit the jackpot! Remove the either/or, black and white aspects of success and failure and beneath that hard shell you will finds treasures unimagined.

Confucius said “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” That’s generally because people spend so much time looking at what needs to be fixed instead of what is already great. Baseball analyst Bill James said it great: “If you can’t learn to do something well, then enjoy doing it badly!” Everything is beautiful, or so the song goes, the question is, what are you looking for - the reasons why something in your life, work or relationship won’t work or the reasons why it will?

Apply this to life. I was shown an article about the seven deadly sins of the workplace recently and asked to comment. My immediate response was that it’s all backwards and focuses on what’s wrong, what won’t work. This topic became a segment I did on AM Northwest, a local ABC affiliate morning show. You can view it here. So what do you get when you turn the seven deadly sins into seven empowering virtues? You get this:

• Pride becomes the virtue of Humility. Instead of being prideful and boastful about only your own accomplishments, trust that your greatness will shine through and make the effort to recognize those with whose help you were able to achieve such greatness. None of us are on the path alone and when people are acknowledged and honored, they are generally grateful want to help you more in return.
• Envy becomes the virtue of Kindness. Instead of envying what others have, revel in their successes. By being excited and positive about their successes, you plant the seed in your subconscious that says “this feels good” even it is someone else’s. As a result, you attract more of that goodness into your life. The feeling of envy only attracts more negative feelings of envy. Kindness, however, attracts kindness.
• Anger becomes the virtue of Calmness. Anger is emotion run amuck. When you feel anger welling up, ask yourself what is good about what is happening right now. Or, in the words of Bill James, if you can’t do it well, i.e. control the situation, how could you enjoy it in its current incantation? Anger is like holding the sponge of your circumstances so tight it can’t absorb anything new. Release the grip and you release the tension, as a result, you become calmer and the sponge can absorb all kinds of new possibilities.
• Greed becomes the virtue of Generosity. And generosity can stem from one powerful question: How can I be of service? Or to paraphrase President Kennedy, ask not what your boss, co-workers or others can do for you, but what can you do for them?
• Sloth becomes the virtue of Active. What can you do right now to move your goal forward? It doesn’t have to be huge. In fact, sometimes it can be quite small; a kind word, a simple gesture, or the choice not to be angry. Too often we miss the monumental little things because we think only the big ones make a difference.
• Glutton becomes the virtue of Moderation. If there is anything health science has taught us, it’s everything in moderation. So I challenge you to have an average day. If every day were phenomenal, spectacular and over the edge, it too would become ordinary by lack of anything greater to compare it to. Remember, Michael Jordon is only tall because people like me are shorter. If everyone were eight feet tall, he’s not that impressive. Moderation is the virtue of reveling in what is, a little bit of great, a little bit of not so great and a little bit of everything in between. And when you take it all together, you get an average, and that is a great place to be – there in the middle of it all.
• Lust becomes the virtue of Presence. Some things take time to build. Get out of the future and give them time to manifest. Get out of the past, it only holds you back. Instead get into the here and now so that you can make the most of the present, that simple and most valuable gift of the now. If it helps, find a touch stone to bring you back to the now, just in case you lose your way once in a while.

With all that is going in the world and our lives, it’s easy to see the sins of the world and all the things that aren’t going well, but if that is your measurement for what is possible in the here and now and into the future, then you will never find what you are looking for. The secret isn’t in fixing your weaknesses, that’s like looking for a sunrise in the west. It’s simply not there. The secret lies in building up your strengths; capitalizing on your virtues.

A five year old neighbor boy was riding his bike this weekend and in the few minutes that his family stepped inside to attend to something else - he took a tumble. Nothing serious, in fact, as far as tumbles go it was fairly low on the Richter scale catastrophe, but to him, it was clearly a big deal. Unfortunately, no matter how loud he cried, mom was nowhere to be found. So I drop my car washing rag and ran over to help. Once we were sure there were no broken bones, gushing blood or other serious injury we were able to discern the root cause of his tears, it was a rip in his bike seat.

“Wow! look at that,” I exclaimed.

“What?” he asked confused, thinking a rip was the end of the world.

“Your bike has a scar!” I said

And he smiled and giggled just a little as he wiped his eyes and said “Oh yeah! just like me” and he pointed to his legs.

“Me too,” I said, “I’ve got bunches of them - knees, arms, elbows…”

“Scars are cool!” He said

“Yeah, they kinda are, aren’t they?”

I just listened to the graduation speech Randy Pausch, the professor who gave that remarkable “Last Lecture” at Carnegie Mellon after learning of his pancreatic cancer and thought of this conversation with my neighbor boy. In this graduation speech Randy talks about how he doesn’t regret the mistakes he’s made or the embarrassing moments of his life, but of the things not done, the chances not taken and the risks not dared. For Randy, fortunately, there are few. For many of us, there are a few too many. Once this five year old boy realized that the damage to his seat was a mark of adventure, the result of pushing harder and trying more, it became a badge of honor, something cool.

Why are so many of us unwilling to make mistakes, unwilling to push just a little harder, afraid of damage. With a little black tape his granddad was able to fix the seat “good as new,” but the boy still knows what happened. And when I asked him about it a couple days later he smiled and said everything was good. Cuts, rips, scars, cracks, scratches, dents, etc. are the evidence of living. The more there are, there more stories there are to tell. If it’s been a while since you or your stuff got a scar, consider pushing the limits a little harder. And if you want the motivation to live life consciously and deliberately, watch the videos of Randy Pausch. It’s time to stop playing it safe. Get a scar!

Last year I had the honor of speaking at the graduation ceremony for a local career college here in Portland. The response was outstanding and they have since asked me back a number of times to speak at graduations as well as to run a three hour in-service workshop for the faculty. Here are just a few of the comments the faculty had to say in response to the workshop:

“The best in-service we have had, rewarding”

“Just what I needed”

The most positive impact on me was “the speaker’s ability to inspire!”

“This is far more valuable to me than a personality assessment, which we have done. Has real application potential, Great Job!”

The speech is based on the principles of H.U.M.A.N. Strategies of which perspectives is just one. If you would like to learn more, or bring this message to your organization, group, school, church or conference, please contact feel free to contact me.

I am finding a number of clients recently, and if you read my newsletter this month you know I can easily be included in this group, that are experiencing significant roadblocks in their lives and the answer is coming down to dealing with issues of clutter. I am finding that for many of us our physical environment holds a correlation between our current physical state and what we want different in our lives.

The bottom line is, when we fill our life up with stuff; boxes in the garage, clutter on the counters, an avalanche of papers on the desk, worry in the mind, weight on the body… we leave no room for something new to take hold and sprout.

While the problem may seem huge and insurmountable, the solution is often a subtle shift, a simple change that can make a break-through difference in our life, such as cleaning out just one drawer in the kitchen, or organizing the hall closet. The irony is that a small step can have nothing to do with the major clutter in front of our eyes and yet can have a significant impact just the same.

Take the issue of weight. We all know the secret to weight loss! Move more, eat healthier food and less of it. Yet, that doesn’t always work. Sometimes dramatic weight loss is but a simple shift in understanding. For instance, a client of mine realized that eating was a form of reward. Every time he felt disadvantaged or put out, he would use the phrase “I deserve_______” and fill in the blank with a cookie, latte or some other sugary snack. When we removed food as the reward, we opened up space for a new, non-food related reward as well as the possibility that the experience itself doesn’t warrant any “reward” to begin with. And that’s the point. Answers are seldom found in the problem, but more often found surrounding the issue. For this gentleman, food was the issue, not the problem, the problem was in the interpretation of his experiences. Food was just the easy out.

We hear it and say it all the time, “my life it so full!” Our days are like cups that runneth over and the thought of squeezing in time to add the simplest task, much less clean up the clutter can seem overwhelming. Well, in order to fit something new into our lives, including a new behavior, we generally need to remove something old; otherwise we get weighted down both literally and figuratively. The problem facing the removal of something lies in the stories we attach to these items.

Too often these “objects,” this clutter, is not what we see when we look at it. Instead, what we see is evidence of our incompetence, proof of our weakness, the untapped potentials in our lives, the unfulfilled goals, the dreams drifted away, the “some day we’re going to…’s” It’s not about the object at all, but rather what object represents that stands in our way of removing it from our lives so we can make room for something more serving to us.

I have clients who hold on to pain, memories and self-judgment with a Vulcan Death Grip, not because they are proud of it, but because it defines who they are and with out it, they would lose their identity. I know plenty of people who haul thousands of pounds of boxes from house to house, year to year and have not opened them for 20+ years, but refuse to let go of them because they are such “cherished memories.”

Here’s my question: If it is really a cherished memory, then why not display these boxed items with prominence and pride? What you are really saying is that the memory is held deep in your heart, where it belongs, and the physical representation has nothing to do with what is cherished. But, the thought of getting rid of it freaks you out, and yet, by getting rid of it, you make room for a new experience and a new memory.

Living with clutter, all forms of clutter, is like trying to sail a boat by keeping a line tied to the dock. You can do it, but you can only get so far. Not only will the drag of the line slow you down, but eventually you will reach the end of the rope. Cutting the line doesn’t mean you can’t sail home, but it does open up a world of possibility. So ask yourself these questions:

1) What does your environment look like? What kind of clutter are you holding onto physically, mentally or emotionally that you have carried with you day-to-day, year-to-year and refuse to let go of?

2) What is the story behind it? What are you telling yourself about this clutter that prevents you from letting it go? Is it absolutely true, or does it just feel true?

3) If it is so special, choose: Do you want to give it a prominent place of honor in your life or home or do you want to honor the memory, thus releasing the baggage from your physical life to make room for more memories, experiences and freedoms?

In one of the original Star Trek movies, Spock’s brother kidnaps the Starship Enterprise to take it past the end of the known universe in search of God. He had a gift for releasing people’s pain and as a result became a cosmic guru. In route to the end of the universe, he helped virtually everyone on board, but when it came to Kirk, Kirk refused to let go of his pain. He said he needed his pain because it is who he is. Like Kirk, we hold on to our past and our stuff because, if we lose it, we become afraid that we lose our identity as well. We think our past is who we are. It is how we have come to identify ourselves and it has become the unquestionable foundation of our lives. It’s time to question these things and the beliefs we hold on to so dear. What do these pounds of extra weight, boxes of “heirloom,” or thoughts of self-judgment really mean? Take the parts that serve you well, in a positive and empowering way, then let go of the rest and not only will you find a new level of happiness, you will open up the opportunity for experiences you can’t even anticipate yet.

I was recently asked if I am a musician, to which I answered without hesitation – “No.”It wasn’t until some time later that I realized I have played piano for over 15 years, performed at two weddings and publicly at several conferences, and received rave reviews for my custom, “unrecognizable” music. I am a musician, perhaps not in any traditional sense, but what in the world does that mean? What other ways am I limiting myself, convinced that I am not something that I very much am and want to be?

As I thought about how reluctant I was to own any truth about me actually being a musician, I began thinking about the limits so many of my clients and LQM attendees place on themselves, the power of labels and why it is so challenging for people to see the obstacle. Then I realized, it’s the same reason that the eye can not see itself, or the tooth cannot bite itself or the knife cannot cut itself. These limiting thoughts are no longer thoughts, they are no longer external objects to be examined, tested or dissected, they have become the very person holding them.

When I secretly wish I were a particular “something,’ such as a musician, and I declare that “I’m not a musician,” then I have already passed judgment on myself and accepted the sentence. The starting point from then on has nothing to do with whether or not that statement is true because truth no longer has anything to do with it. I may very well say, “I wish I could sing or play piano or paint,” but I never believe in the possibility. Little do I actually know that I absolutely can. It’s like Thomas Edison said: ” If we all did things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.”

Who do you know that won’t paint because they think they’re not an artist, who won’t sing because they believe they can’t, who won’t dance because they claim to have no rhythm? Who do you know that would do something big, if only… if only they were more talented, smarter, prettier, faster, more brave or less inhibited? What are all the places people won’t go because they simply can’t get there from their current place of thinking? Who would they be if they had the courage to give up who they think they are for who they want to become? Here are three steps that can help begin the transformation:

1) Take the judgment out of it
Who would you be if your performance wasn’t judged as good or bad? Once we place judgment on ourselves or others we set in stone what we forevermore call a “truth.” “No, it’s true,” we say, “I’m a terrible artist.” Or, “trust me, I can NOT sing.” That’s not “truth.” At least it’s not permanent truth, and yet we treat it as such. As a result, we cease to be open and curious, cease seeking a deeper understanding and cease considering that our assessment may be wrong. Instead, it becomes the foundation of the thought about who we are, and every action taken from that point forward starts from that place where the judgment left us, regardless of its accuracy. If you want to be a singer, artist, dancer… then you are, judgments rooted in good and bad assessments of your talent have nothing to do with it. Once you can accept that you are how you want to see yourself, without the judgment of good or bad, then you will always be asking yourself “how can I be better?” Insatiable curiosity is far more empowering than judgment.

2) Name what you would like to be
Once the judgment is gone it’s no longer a question of whether you are good or bad. The question becomes , who would you be, or how might music or art, etc. play a role in your life? How might you engage with your children if your fear of what you are not, didn’t get in your way? Gandhi said to be the change you wish to see in the world. What kind of impact could you have on those around you if you lived without limits, without judgment, without settling? Identify that and a world of possibilities begins to open up.

3) Drop the expectation
We have expectations about ourselves and others and about how we all should behave and respond. When we don’t get the response we “expect” it can throw us for quite the loop. We have expectations for how a boss should respond to a job well done, or a spouse to a kind surprise. We have an expectation for how our acts of bravery should be treated and how our works of art should be reviewed. When expectations fail to materialize it can lead to embarrassment, anger, frustration, judgment, doubt… What makes expectations so dangerous is that they pose as rational reality. In our head they make perfect sense. Few people can live up to our expectations. Not because they are incapable, but because they simply don’t know or understand the expectations or rules of engagement. If we expect someone to behave in a particular way, then we have to be absolutely positive that we have explained that to them from the start. Then, let go of their response. Even if they fail to live up to our expectations, that is not a cause for self-judgment, anger, disappointment, etc.

Expectations do play a vital role. They help us formulate how we want to be in a given situation and what we want to be looking for in an outcome. They are windows, not evidence, so ask yourself what expectations you have throughout the day and examine how they are impacting your experience, happiness, emotions and opinions of yourself. If unmet expectations leave you angry, sad, frustrated, confused or embarrassed, then ask yourself who you would be without the expectation. Since unmet expectations seldom, if ever, impact the person who failed to meet your expectation, take back the control. Instead of expectations, simply respond to the moment with insatiable curiosity, looking for all the things that went well, the lesson, insights and gifts. There is tremendous power in unmet expectations when you can be conscious enough to see it.

What places won’t you go to because of doubt, limiting beliefs or judgments about yourself that seem so true? If things “were different” would you really want to go there? For me, I’ve decided that I am a musician, dog gonnet! I am also an artist and a singer and a philosopher and more; not because of the quality of my output, but because of the pleasure it gives me to think of myself that way. Now when I sit down to a piano and close my eyes, or find myself staring through the keys, I have come to realize that what I actually see is music. Beautiful music. Written there on a part of my soul that is all mine. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, or even if they say anything at all, because it makes my heart sing, and that’s the only reason I play.

Celebrate what you are, notice what you have always wished you were and then claim it as yours without judgment, without expectation. Believe that if you are willing to let go of what you think you are, you will become the person you always wanted to be. Then imagine the places you WILL go.

Not only do kids say the darndest things, many times they say the most brilliant things. Such was the case of our five year old daughter Sarah recently.

Lamenting the frustration often found during the day, my wife, Julia, asked Sarah why she and her younger sister Leah get along so well in the evening, and so poorly in the morning. Without missing a beat Sarah replies: “Mom, we don’t know each other in the morning!”

“What?!” says Julia in a tone of genuine confusion and disbelief, with a tinge of “you’ve got to be kidding” thrown in as she shakes her head, hoping it will make a little more sense as she rolls the response around in her brain.

“I’m serious, Mom. We don’t know each other in the morning.”

Bewildered, Julia watched as Sarah found what she was looking for and returned enthusiastically to the play room to enjoy the same child that a mere hours earlier Sarah wanted to return for a different model.

Unfortunately, I missed the whole exchange and got the summary upon my return that evening. Shocked, I looked at Julia and said: “Hmm, how profound.”

“Really?! Because I’m not seeing the profundity, I just want their behavior at the end of the day to last all day!” said Julia.

Imagine if we approached each day with a clean slate.
Imagine if we looked at each other in the morning with fresh eyes, without all the baggage of yesterday and days gone by.
Imagine if our governing premise each morning was one of insatiable curiosity.

What makes Sarah’s comment so profound is the natural innocence with which she spoke her truth. It wasn’t even a question, it was a statement. As children we are in touch with such a genuine rawness about life, unencumbered by prejudice and baggage, free to see things as they are rather than how we think they are supposed to be. It’s only as we live in this world of judgment and rules that we lose the ability to simply be.

Sarah made a brilliant statement about life and human dynamics that day when she said “we don’t know each other in the morning.” In that place she leaves open all possibilities, good and bad. She approaches the day saying “I’m Sarah, who are you?” Sometimes she says it with a smile, sometimes with a scowl. At the end of the day, however, her experience of her sister is based on her experience with her sister instead of what we tell her the experience should be. As a coach I can only admire and respect the conviction with which she so honestly experiences her world and sees it what it truly is.

By leaving preconceptions behind, you can free yourself from past transgressions so people and circumstances that offended you yesterday have no negative impact on you today. So often the frustration we experience with people we like and love comes from the sting of disappointment that follows the expectation that good people yesterday won’t hurt us today. Sarah doesn’t expect Leah to be great or frustrating in the morning, so she is neither surprised or disappointed. When Leah does wonderful things she rejoices in the excitement instead of accepting it as “normal” because Leah did a wonderful thing yesterday. As a result, Sarah lives fully in the moment. It’s not that all moments are great, it’s that all moments are honest and genuinely present.

Here are three tips for living the adult version of a five year old:

1. Find fun and humorous ways to wake up happy. Maybe the music you put in your CD player that comes on with the alarm is Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” Maybe it’s a sign you tape to the ceiling that says “Right side of the bed this way” with an arrow point to your side of the bed. Maybe you tape to your bathroom mirror a picture of an experience in your life that every time you think about you feel great. Maybe it’s the word “Smile” in big letters attached to the back of the sun visor in your car. Whatever it is that speaks happiness to you, give it a presence in your life. Remind yourself constantly of the person you want to be.
2. The next time someone is saying or doing something that frustrates you or with which you disagree, do what a five year old isn’t mature enough to do yet, ask yourself, “What if they are right?” Then search for ways in which they are right. All you need is one point that makes sense and you can find a common platform to change the direction of the conversation.
3. If you have a bad experience during the day, such as: having an argument with your partner, someone flipping you off, having a fender-bender or getting stung by a bee. Write down the experience on a piece of paper and shred or burn it before going to bed. Take a conscious and deliberate action and say to yourself that you are letting go of this negative experience. This way you go to bed with a clean slate, no longer bound to a previous experience, but eager to wake up with a new opportunity to create another great day in your life, choosing what it is you want to find and experience.
   

Here’s to living like a five year old!

We are holding the next LQM Workshop on May 23, 2008. Please Click Here for details and a link to register.

I meant to write this newsletter last month to keep on my bi-monthly schedule. But you know how it is, life is busy, my office is a disaster and before I knew it, it was May and I was a month behind schedule. Then the unthinkable happened. My computer died. Not your ordinary euphemistic, run-of-the-mill kind of died that a techy fixes in a few minutes, but a full fledged complete hardware failure. My 97% full hard drive crashed and there went everything! My business life felt like it flat-lined and panic set in. “$%^&*!, Oh great, now what?!” The only saving grace in the entire incident is I had thankfully backed up my computer the night before. The fact that the backup ended up failing as well is another story all together, but the whole experience provided me a great metaphor for what many of my clients are experiencing at the moment – overloaded emotional hard drives (EHD).

Think of our EHD as that place where we store and manage all of our emotions and feelings and beliefs about ourselves. With every experience we load a new file or sometimes a whole new program of thought and emotion onto this drive. Like a computer, those files and programs get messy and need to be cleaned up. If old programs aren’t occasionally reevaluated and, when appropriate, deleted to make room for new files and programs, a whole array of performance and incompatibility issues can arise. For instance, old beliefs we hold about someone can clash with new experiences we have with them and we may get confused, not knowing how to respond to their new and different behavior. If we were able to purge old and useless beliefs we could process our new experiences more cleanly and we would have a place to store and use our new beliefs.

When our emotional hard drive is too full we can experience stress and a feeling of being overwhelmed. Life can seem messy, and in fact might actually be messy in our kitchen, garage, office and cupboards. We get a sense that if we could just organize our physical world, life would fall back into place and we could regain control of our emotional world. Unfortunately, for many people, the physical mess in their life is a symptom, not a cause of their stress. The cause is generally something deeper within them – something, or many somethings, stored on this emotional hard drive.

In computer talk you “tune-up” a machine to find free space, delete unused programs or unwanted viruses and put things back in order. To “tune-up” your EHD, take time to create an inventory of everything that is loaded on your drive. Look at your feelings and beliefs about yourself and the world around you and take the time to delve deeper. For instance, one client of mine was convinced they were being a bad parent. Every time there came an opportunity for evaluating her parenting skills, those files on her hard drive opened up and she judged every one of her actions through the filter of a bad parent. There was no room for considering the literally 1000’s of times she is a great Mom. Her hard drive was full and since there was no room to load a new thought program she was getting more and more overwhelmed by the day.

In computers an infinite loop is a program the runs over and over again continuously. For this client, her opinion of her parenting skills was stuck in an infinite loop, filling up her hard drive with evidence against her. When that happens in a computer you press “escape.” When it happened to humans we too need to escape. Quite literally, get out of the situation as soon as you can and breathe some clean air, then ask yourself, what about your current belief do you think is absolutely true? By absolutely true I mean irrefutable true, for example the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. When you find that there are even glimmers of refutable elements, such as “OK, maybe I’m not a horrible parent 100% of the time,” jump on them! These glimmers are the doorways to challenge your previous programming. In this challenging, ask yourself what else might be true. In the case of this client I asked, is it possible that you are a great Mom? We began to explore alternative perspectives that she wants to be true and searched for the evidence to support these perspectives. The turn around, while not instantaneous, was profound.

The objective is to make room for new possibilities because the secret is that life is like the stock market: past performance is no indicator of future gains. However, your current thought programs and beliefs are based on past performance, and unchallenged you will continue to get the same results, not because those perceptions are necessarily accurate, but for lack of any other way to perceive your daily experiences. Seeing things fresh, from a new perspective, from a different angle is how you determine future gains. The question is; do you have the emotional room to explore these options and store them if they have merit?

Here is the deeper challenge. When you delete a file from a computer it isn’t really gone until that space on the hard drive is literally overwritten. Until then, the file can always be brought back - restored if you will – and that’s what many of us do with our thought programs. We examine our beliefs and then delete them, but leave them in the recycle bin just in case we need to go back to a familiar place. Therefore, to make a true change you have to actually empty the recycle bin and eventually rewrite the open space left by an old belief, with a new belief.

One of the best ways to determine which files are best to delete and rewrite is to ask yourself what kind of person you want to be. In the case of my client, what kind of mother does she want to be? Then ask, are your current files/programs/beliefs allowing you to be that kind of person? If not, then how are they leading you astray? Look for the alternative belief that would allow you to step into being that kind of person you want to be. For my client, how would the mother she wants to be respond to the circumstances in her life such as her son losing his temper or treating his baby sister poorly? How would the mother she wants to be talk to the kids?

How would the person you want to be live your life to the fullest? How would that person wake up in the morning, and how would they assess their day as they climb into bed in the evening? Would that person you want to be care more about blaming others for their shortcomings, or being grateful for all the truly wonderful things that happened – even the ones that seem so mundane such as being grateful for returning home safely without an accident? They are simple questions that most people rarely, if ever, take the time to ask themselves. What makes them seem so big is not the size of the question, but its size relative to amount of space we have in our lives to actually fit the question into our brains and emotional hard drives. After all, whether you view 10 lbs of potatoes as a lot, depends largely on whether you have a 5 lb bag to carry them in or a 50 lb bag to carry them in.

So how full is your Emotional Hard Drive? Perhaps it’s time for a Spring cleaning. I sure wish I had done it to my computer hard drive a couple weeks ago!

Between the Horizons

If you were standing on the edge of the ocean and looking out over a calm sea; how far is it between you and the horizon - that line that marks the edge of the world?

The precise answer is based on some crazy mathematical formula including square roots and the height of your eyes from the ground, but the approximate answer for a person 5’8” (can you guess my height?) is 3.1 miles. But here’s the weird thing about horizons, no matter how fast I travel it will always be about 3 miles away. Like the elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, horizons are always out of reach, retreating backward as I progress forward, revealing to me in measured amounts all that I need to take in.

Can you imagine if the world really was flat? I mean so flat that with enough optical amplification you could actually see to the edge of the world? Wouldn’t that be weird? How uninspiring it would be to know the outcome before we began our journeys of life, love, work and living. What a blessing that life holds surprises for us at every crest.

Many people I meet are seeking an answer beyond their horizon; wishing their life away for an answer about tomorrow that seems more important than today. Others plant themselves firmly in the “good ol’ days” resigned to the “fact” that nothing will ever live up to what has already been. The life behind the horizon of the past is familiar and comfortable. The life that awaits us beyond the horizon of the future is full of possibilities sans any of the responsibilities. The life that lies between the horizons of however, can seem scary, overwhelming, boring or even a waste of time when compared to what our imaginations have done to the past and the future.

Many want to know how the story ends: will my wife and I survive our challenges? Will I find a job? Will my kids turn out alright? Will I survive the lay-offs? Will I get the promotion? So we put the pedal to the metal and race across the landscape of our lives on a highway of determination, all the while missing the scenery, detours, cafes and sites afforded us on the surface roads of our life.

There are certain things in life you aren’t supposed to experience until you have traveled a particular path and gone the distance. Our present gives understanding of our past and provides tools for our future. There are things we are meant to learn in the slow pace of progress and the experiences that lie between the horizons. The anticipation of what lies just over the crest can be a wonderful high and a powerful incentive, but I often wonder, for my own life, what important lesson or experience might I be missing in the now because I am focused on something I refuse to let go of, or is, as of yet, out of sight beyond the horizon of my experience.

To learn algebra we had to first learn basic math. To learn basic math we had to first learn our numbers. There is order and evolution to our lives and there seems to be value in honoring that evolution. Experiences build upon experiences in ways difficult to predict. As a result, many of us seek the short cut in hopes of being in control. Resting in the place of the unknown or the difficult can freak us out, so the tendency is to put our heads down and push through it. As a result, we find ourselves going through the motion of relationships or numbingly going to work, or going to bed each night without a single reflection or realization of what was great about our day, feeling like life is happening to us instead of with us. John Mayer sings, “It’s hard to beat the system when we’re standing at a distance, so we keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change.” If you feel like life is at a distance and if you are waiting on the world to change, then your life is being lived beyond the horizons. You will wake up each morning and go to bed each evening having the same experience as the day before. The calendar will change, but you will not.

The horizon isn’t there to taunt us with what we cannot see, it’s there to focus our attention on what lies in front of us, to wake us up to the experiences under our feet that we do control, to give us manageable amounts to take in and to ask ourselves; “what can I do in this moment, in this experience, to be conscious and aware of where I am and how this moment serves me and my dreams.” That is the powerful question to ask yourself everyday.

Life is a ball and I mean that both literally as a round sphere and figurative as in a good time. And like the horizon, as we circle the globe, we can only experience so much of it at a time. Sometimes things are so big beyond the horizon, such as a mountain, that we get a glimpse of their tips even before cresting the edge, but you can’t climb it until it falls within that distance between the horizons.

What Say Ye?

You need not look far to realize that while the song may proclaim this “The most wonderful time of the year” the truth of the matter is something quite different. Listening to neighbors, friends, the media, even the venerable Oprah Winfrey, there is less about good wishes and joyous times and more about the stress. The negative always takes the lead. On Oprah’s website she speaks of “surviving the holidays” and how “the holidays can be so demanding.” I was even called by a local talk show this month to come speak about “managing the stresses of the season.” I called the segment “Deck the Halls, Not the People!” (click here to watch) While many, including me, offer tips and ideas for handling and overcoming the stress, the language is still “stress,” “obligations,” “too little money,” “too little time,” or “traditional family feuds.” What in the name of Kris Kringle are we saying to ourselves?

Here’s the bottom line: What you focus on you will find. Focus on the stress and there will be plenty of examples to prove you correct, after all, there’s traffic, crowds, neighbors with better decorations or a prettier tree, last year Uncle Charlie got drunk and may likely do so again this year, and the list goes on. Focus on the joys, however, seek the merry and bright, look for the playful, goofy or downright hysterical parts of the holiday, and you will find plenty of those as well; such as the fellow with two grocery carts full of food who lets you ahead of him because you only have three items, or the smiles from strangers, or the smell of the evergreens, or the laughter of children, or your missing six month old child found sleeping peacefully in the laundry basket surrounded by three first graders wrapped in towels pretending to be the wise men during the neighborhood Christmas party.

Our language sets the emotional stage for our experiences. If you want a stress-free holiday season then begin by using language that is stress-free. Speak in terms of what you want to experience and say the things you wish you were hearing. Gandhi once said to “be the change you wish to see in the world,” what a better time than this season to do so?

Christmas, in particular, is truly what you make it. After all, Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th, Christians adopted that date from the pagans along with many other traditions such as the use of holly, a decoration originally used to celebrate the Roman holiday Saturnalia. This is a time of celebration, of lighting up the winter darkness, a melding of traditions, a season of hope and a holiday of magical possibilities. It’s a time when a baby was born to save the world, when oil lasted eight times longer than it should, when a jolly old man can circle the globe in record time and fit down chimneys too small for his arm. Forget the stress and the demands and go straight for the cheer. Dream of the perfect holiday and make the decisions that bring it to life. A great place to begin is with your language.

So when your child spills milk on the dinner table, someone cuts you off in traffic, or you watch a customer purchase the last Xbox 360 you were after, try a new approach. Most likely the child didn’t intend to spill the milk, so surprise her with a calm, happy reaction such as, “If only I had a dime every time I spilled milk as a kid we’d be rich!” And look at the bright side, the table is extra clean after wiping it all up. Imagine the reaction you’ll get from the child and the joy you will create in the family. Regarding the traffic incident, what if you smile and wave knowing that they are in just as much of a hurry as you are and your kind reaction could keep them and others safer? As for the Xbox 360, well, can you imagine the impact you will have if you say to that lucky person: “Congratulations! You are so lucky; I was going after that same item. Hey, have a lot of fun with that!” The season is what you make it, so make it the way you want it to be instead of letting it default to the way others want it to be. You can either own your reality or be a player in someone else’s reality.

To everyone I wish the very merriest of seasons, and that all your magical dreams come true. And if just for a day, I want you to experience the joy of hope and the sense of peacefulness that falls upon the heart as you find all the reasons to be happy, to believe in yourself and to be grateful for all that has been bestowed upon your life. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Cool Yule to all!

Here’s a question for the ages: What is success? For some it’s landing the six or seven figure job, for others, finding the perfect mate, for my wife it’s getting the kids to bed on time… but what is it really?

Success has less to do with achievement and more to do with response to the outcome. I have seen people land the “perfect” job and be miserable, or marry their dream girl/boy and get divorced. I have even seen my wife get the kids to bed on time and be frustrated because it was a battle every step of the way.

What if you sought a $250,000/yr job but landed one for $150,000, is that considered success? What if you fell in love with someone whose qualities were different than the list you created of the perfect spouse at age 14, is that failure? What if the kids are in bed 25 minutes late, but they go down happy and my wife walks out of the room smiling and feeling satisfied with motherhood? How could that be anything but success?

This brings me back to my original question, what is success? Success is being the captain of your own ship. It’s about being in control of your life while utilizing the talents of your “crew,” members such as fear, doubt, excitement, passion, intellect and gut; valuable crewmembers one and all, but none the captain. It includes confidence and happiness, but ultimately the captain embodies fulfillment, happiness and awareness.

One obstacle to such success is the doubt that they are worthy of happiness or worthy of their dreams. I meet so many people who believe they don’t deserve what they desire. “Sure, I’d love to live in a house like that, but that will never happen for me.” “Of course I would like to fall in love, but with my track record I’m lucky to fall in like.” “You just don’t know my family; we don’t get breaks like that.”

To overcome this obstacle you must believe in your dreams. You can dream all you want, but dreaming is not succeeding. Ironically, dreams can become an obstacle of success. There is a client of mine who thrives in the dreaming phase. She thinks, “as long as I am dreaming I am full of potential and people believe in me. But the second I step out, I may fail. Then I lose not just the potential, but also the dream!” The truth is you will only become what you believe is possible. If you don’t believe it, you can’t become it. Believing is the keystone to becoming, achieving or succeeding at anything in life. So ask yourself, what is it that you truly believe about your dreams and your potential? Answer that and you have glimpsed your definition of success.

Another obstacle is the “all-or-nothing” syndrome. This is the issue of thinking the next decision in your life is the most important decision of your life. Another client was so paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision she was unable to make any decision about what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted to change the world, but felt that a step in the “wrong direction” could ruin her whole future. Rationally she understood that wasn’t true, but functionally she couldn’t get past the block. The secret came in reframing the outcome. What were once viewed as mistakes became building blocks. This is in the spirit of Thomas Edison who said he didn’t fail 1,000 times to invent the light bulb; he simply found a 1,000 ways that didn’t work. The shift is subtle, but the impact is profound.

The gift in any step you take is the knowledge you gain once you have discovered the outcome. The challenge comes in using that knowledge. The question is: Are you letting the outcome of yesterday’s choice stop you from making tomorrow’s decision? As long as there is life, there are dreams and possibilities and your new tomorrow will be based on your beliefs about your new today, which goes back to obstacle one; what do you believe.

The last obstacle is the notion that one’s perspective is the absolute, true and only possible perspective. One of my clients was convinced his boss was jealous of his intellect and was determined to stand in his way of advancement into management. As we began to reframe his perspective and develop new ways to see his circumstances, he discovered a new approach to his superiors. Since he wasn’t getting what he wanted thinking they were jealous of him, he began to approach work as an experiment. He started asking what kind of “tests” he could run to validate or disprove his perspective. Then literally within one conversation the course of his relationship with his superior changed. By approaching his boss from a different perspective, an obstacle became the catalyst for advancement. Understanding and trying on new perspectives is huge. Determine any perspective you have that seems absolutely, positively, infallibly true, then turn them around and ask what if the inverse were true? How would you behave in this new perspective and how would it impact your experience? Change your perspective and you can change your world.

Success is not about a destination or the realization of a goal, that’s achievement. Success is about a frame of mind. It’s built upon happiness and shaped by the level to which one is willing to wake up and be conscious of their life and their being. Success is a state of awareness that provides a person with the power to weather any storm and to take control of all their ships of life: Relationships, Friendships, Leadership, Companionship… Find your happiness and you will be successful at everything you chose to try in life.

(C) Copyrighted 2006 All rights reserved by Steven Fulmer

Recently a gentleman walked up to me after hearing me speak at a meeting and asked: “Can you coach anyone?” “Yes,” I replied, “anyone who wants to be coached that is.”

I went on to explain that if a wife is sending me her grumpy husband saying “FIX HIM!” the odds are not in my favor. If the grumpy husband, on the other hand, says “I’m tired of being grumpy,” that’s a different song. The old expression says: A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

This fellow replied, “What if someone wants help but doesn’t believe it’s possible, they have already tried everything else, counseling, psychotherapy, and nothing works?!”

“Then I have one question for them,” I said, “Do they want their life to be different?”

“Yes, but…”

“But what? It’s a simple question. Do they want their life to be different?”

“Of course,” he said, “but they can’t see how.”

“I didn’t ask you if they could see how. I asked if they want their life to be different.”

It’s no different than when I teach people to ski, I ask if they want to learn and they usually reply: “Yes, but… I’m afraid.” I then clarify by saying that wasn’t my question and ask again, do you want to learn how to ski? Fear is a given, skiing is a dangerous sport. My question isn’t, are you afraid, my question is do you want to learn? “Yes,” they would say, “I want to learn.” Great, then I can teach you how to ski.

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. —Martin Luther King

Too many people are anesthetizing their lives by the expression “Yes, but…”

Too many people are anesthetizing their lives by the expression “Yes, but…” Do you want a more fulfilling job? “Yes, but… I have a mortgage, kids, 15 years invested here.” Do you want to be married? “Yes, but… I’m 35, 45, 55 years old, if it was going to happen…” Do you want a happier marriage? “Yes, but… it is what it is, this is what you get after 20 years with the same person.” Do you want _________? If the answer is “Yes, but…” it’s time to change your perspective.

One of life’s secrets is: You get what you focus on. It’s that simple! If a person wants to learn to ski and they focus on getting hurt, the odds have it, they will get hurt. But if they focus on skiing safely, in control and wanting to love the sport, then that is what they will get! The same is true with any aspect of life. Focus on the reasons why something cannot be so and life will present all the supporting evidence needed to prove the case. However, if people ask themselves “what if it is possible…” “What if it is possible to find a more fulfilling job and still be able to support my family the way I have grown accustomed?” “What if I got to rekindle my marriage with a new level of excitement and passion than ever existed before?” “What if I could find the love of my life?” What would those things look like? Lock the “yes buts” in an iron box, bury it in the yard and simply entertain the question: What if…?

What if you could ask “What if…?” What would it hurt? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of setting yourself up for disappointment? Are you afraid of dreaming too big and not getting it? Is that possible? After all, isn’t it true that you already lack whatever it is you are envisioning? So what if you dream big and it doesn’t come true? You’ve lost nothing since you didn’t have it to begin with.

So what do you gain from asking “what if?” You gain perspective. If you can envision what you want, with such clarity that you can paint a picture of it, then you will start to feel the excitement of what is possible. If you can feel the excitement then that is what you will attract into your life. Does it happen overnight? No. Will it happen precisely as you have envisioned it? Maybe, maybe not. Does that matter? What if it turns out better? What if it turns out to be slightly less? Wouldn’t that still be better than the “Yes but…” you are living today?

Here’s the simple truth: “Yes, but…” is just a big rubber bumper people put around themselves to protect them from getting hurt. It’s like those big stay-puff marshmallow suits people wear to do that pseudo sumo-wrestling, body slamming stuff. In real life, “yes, but…” may protect you from getting hurt or disappointed, but have you ever tried to hug someone in one of those suits? Have you ever tried to get close or make love in one of the suits? I can imagine that it is an awful experience. You can’t touch, get close or feel anything. That’s what “yes, buts…” do to your life. Sure they may protect you from certain pains or hurts, but they block the great feelings as well.

So the next time you find yourself saying “yes, but…” to anything, no matter how logical it sounds, take a moment to stop and ask yourself “what if!” You are not obligated to follow the answer, but wow, wouldn’t it be nice to consider, even for a moment, if it was possible? If you can consider it, then, who’s to say it’s not possible? It’s time to wake up and do something different. Change your perspective and you change you life!

Be willing to be wrong about your limits, so that you can be right about your possibilities.”
—Alan Cohen

Whether you are graduating from high school, college, graduate school or even a career as you enter retirement, it can be easy to get overwhelmed by the future. So here are five secrets to navigating this profound transition in your life.

1) Nothing beats back fear like information and knowledge. So when you get intimidated because you are comparing yourself to others or the goals you have set seem so big, take the time to look back on your life and get in touch with your greatness. If you can’t figure it out, ask your friends and family to express what they love and respect about you. Recount your proudest accomplishments and write them down. Then look at the skills they demonstrate and the gifts they illustrate and choose to own them.

2) Realize mistakes are the building blocks of success. Julius Irving said “To be an innovator you can’t be worried about making mistakes.” Mistakes are not to be feared, they are simply a fact of life. The secret lies in how you respond to them. Part 1: Make a decision consciously so it truly serves your goals and desires, and respects your values. When you do, even if the decision turns out differently than you expect, you will have nothing to regret or lament, instead you will have experience and wisdom. Which leads me to Part 2: Do not judge your decisions of yesterday with your knowledge of today. Why? Because you now have new information. At the time you make any decision, all you know is what you know and nothing more. You most certainly don’t know what the outcome of that decision will be. Once you learn the outcome you may use that information for the next decision, but not for beating yourself up about the first one. You did your best, so look forward, move on and be proud in your willingness to take the chance and earn your mistake.

3) Take stock. The stock market says past performance is no indication of future gains. The same applies to life. Your success in school or business is not a guarantee to your success in life or retirement. Look at what you are leaving behind. Your past has formed your identity, your purpose, your direction and more. You mastered the skills to thrive in that environment and those skills may not serve you the same in your new life. The first major disappointment is generally felt when that realization takes hold, so prepare for it. Take the time to feel the fear, the pride, the confusion and any other emotion that may be hanging on. Acknowledge what you are saying goodbye to; whether it be the freedom of college or the power of your career. If you just “put it behind you” without addressing it directly, it has a way of coming back in the form of regret, “the good ole’ days,” or a loss of identity. Don’t give it that kind of power.

4) Take time to explore. Life is a journey, so steal a page from your childhood and play “I Spy” along the way. Take time to notice how you are adapting to and feeling about your new life, post graduation or post retirement. You may not feel the way you thought you would at this point in your life. Your dreams may begin to shift; your goals may begin to change. Stay aware of what these changes are telling you. Just because you preached for years that you were going to be a financial wizard after college or sail around the world in your retirement doesn’t mean you are obligated to do so if your goals and desires change. Many of my clients felt like they lost control of their lives somewhere, like they got caught on a treadmill and can’t get off. By staying aware of what you are doing, why you are doing it and how you are feeling about it along the way, you retain control of your life.

5) When looking into your future, see with the clarity of your eyes. You have crystal clear clarity at arms length, but as objects move further away the detail is reduced. By the time something is a mile away you are lucky to discern shapes and colors depending on its size. The same is true with life. By all means, dream, plan, set goals and define your long term aspirations, but be cautious about the level of detail. If you get too specific about how life looks in five years, you may be living with blinders on and missing profound possibilities along the way. Take the time to look up and test your theories for accuracy and continued relevancy instead of just looking for ways to prove yourself right. As Alan Cohen said, be willing to be wrong about your limits, so you can be right about your possibilities.

Life can seem overwhelming and uncertain at these major crossroads of graduation and retirement. So if you find yourself in such a quandary, remember, your next decision is not your most important decision, it is simply your next decision. The criteria you use to make the decision, and the manner in which you respond to the outcome, is far more important than the decision itself. Success is simply getting up one more time than you fall down. Should you happen to fall, get up, remember the five secrets and build your future – one step at a time.

If you don’t brag about yourself, who will? Your mom? Unfortunately, our society has taught us that bragging is bad, rude or conceited. I would agree, if it’s being used to insult or put down another, or to appear superior, or arrogant. If, however, bragging is done in the spirit of respect and compassion and used as a sincere way to share a glimpse of your personal story with another, then it can be endearing, empowering and even unifying.

Point #1: It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.

When given the opportunity to talk about ourselves, most of us resort to the encyclopedia method of communication: place of residence, job, marital status, number of kids, maybe our favorite hobby. While the listener may expect such a clinical response, when someone responds differently, with more enthusiasm or creativity, it catches our attention. If it’s spoken with humble confidence we feel honored and connected.

Point #2: If you aren’t interested in what you are saying, the odds have it your audience isn’t interested either.

Positive bragging is a lot like selling yourself. Unfortunately too many people have a negative opinion of sales. If you view sales as manipulation or coercion, then you are likely to view bragging as aggressive and unflattering because it’s used as a tool to intimidate. This is like when you were young and complained how difficult your life was and your dad would say “when I was your age I walked to school 10 miles one way, up hill in both directions!” The problem with that kind of bragging is it’s about one-upmanship and it leaves you vulnerable to attack. The listener is no longer interested in you because the dialogue has turned into a competition and you might well get a response such as, “Well, when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was president of the United States!” This kind of bragging doesn’t bring people closer to you, it pushes them away.

However, if you view sales as positive, a process of matching product with need, then bragging is nothing more than the education of a prospect about your product…you! When a young sales person started out, the story goes; he was struggling with converting his prospects to clients. He said to his manager, “I can lead the horse to water, but I can’t make it drink.” The manager replied, “Ah, that’s the problem, your job is not to make them drink, your job is to make them thirsty.”

Point #3: Positive bragging is about telling a story about you that connects with the listener in a meaningful way, so they become curious about you and who you are.

Benefits of Bragging:

1. Improved self confidence
2. Better posture
3. The ability to see greatness in others
4. More Romance, that goes for the married and the unmarried. I’m married but I still love it when my wife agrees to go on a date with me.
5. Job opportunities, you never know who you are talking to, or the potential connections that will lead from it.
6. You begin to see patterns in your life and you realize truths about yourself, such as being a healer, an artist, a builder, a teacher…
7. Rut buster. It breaks the habit of negative self talk.
8. Most people are about as happy, successful, in love… as they make up their mind to be. Bragging raises you to another level of happiness, success, love, whatever you want.

How do you do it? One way is to answer questions with information that excites you. If someone doesn’t know the truth about you, then all they can know is what they see. If you simply answer, “I’m a lawyer” and the person you are talking to has a negative opinion of lawyers, then they will makes assumptions about you based on what they think they know or understand about lawyers. Your goal is to break those assumptions. Instead you could respond with “I am changing the world by balancing the scales of justice!” Or, “I’m protecting the environment from within the legal system.” What makes these responses powerful is they are sincerely about the speaker with no comparison or judgment about the person with whom they are talking.

Point #4: Think in terms of how you want people to see you, then use language, stories and information to demonstrate that perspective

Tips for Bragging: