Recently, a manager shared with me how she made suggestions to a team member — who in turn took none of the suggestions, and instead made the situation worse. What’s more fascinating is that this team member actually did the very thing they were criticizing someone else doing. The assumption on the manager’s part was that this complainer would “get it” and take the hints she was giving.
Well…he definitely didn’t.
And there are two very good reasons why.
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Your hints and suggestions are aimed at a problem they don’t see. They aren’t looking at themselves the way you are looking at them. So your suggestions don’t align with the problem (this other person) they are wanting to solve. That’s why communication has to be way more direct and clear, leaving nothing to the imagination and not relying on hope — i.e the hope that they will get the message. A courageous question to ask in these situations might be: “I hear you Bart. In what ways are you contributing to this situation?” No one’s innocent, and it makes it crystal clear you are asking about him, not the other player.
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Much like last week’s article, this person’s behavior often causes managers to back down to avoid conflict. As a result, the manager takes on the burden, thinking they’re a better communicator and therefore they can talk to the other player “better.” This simply shifts the responsibility off of Bart and reinforces the thought that he is right. And why wouldn’t he feel like that? In his view, even the manager feels like this needs to be addressed and is doing it themselves. “Aren’t I a good/perceptive/courageous person willing to speak truth to power?” No actually, you’re a whiner and a complainer who is too cowardly to treat a coworker like a peer and address your concerns with them directly in a positive, collaborative and respectful way.
As leaders we often think others can see what we can see if we just prompt them or give them a little nudge. But the truth is, they can’t see what they’re not looking for. The thought never crosses their mind that they might be part of the problem.
It’s our job to elevate the conversation from personal conflict to problem solving.
