A lot of empathetic and “Merchant” (see CVI) type leaders will feel lost when they have team members coming into their office to complain about one another, or to express frustration with the way another behaved in a meeting.

As these leaders bring these examples to coaching with me, they feel lost — they’re not sure how to help. Worst of all, they feel like the responsibility to solve this problem is being handed to them, and them alone. That’s when I assure them — and I assure you now — it’s not.

This is a beautiful leadership opportunity, regardless of whether you’re empathetic, a reality-based leader, or an old school “because I’m the boss” kinda guy.

The fact that this person is upset warrants a certain level of compassion and respect — and benefit of the doubt. If it’s important to them, then at some level — as their boss — it’s important to you, because they are important to you.

But the distinction here is, even if it’s important to you, you’re not having their experience. So don’t own it as if you were.

Instead, try a simple: “Interesting. I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. Let me ask you, what are you hoping to come of it; of telling me this? Do you have an expectation here?”

Most people will be taken aback by such a question. We’re not used to it. If they say “No, I just wanted you to know,” then what might your insatiable curiosity lead you to follow up with?

Personally, I might ask, “For what reason?” I would hope to understand their intention more. They might be wanting me to talk to the person they’re upset with, but are nervous to come right out with it, so they’re hoping I take the hint. By asking for more input, you are in essence saying: I’m not getting the hint.

Sometimes people just need a safe place to vent, to hear themselves think. And it’s fantastic to be that person for them. What we don’t want to do, however, is to support or reinforce their personal or erroneous judgements.

“How would you like things to be different with this person?” Is a great inquisitive question that doesn’t put blame on anyone.

Of course, those who know me can see what’s coming next.

Assuming they have an answer to the preceding question — and they likely will — you can follow with, “What could you do to inspire that change?”

The point of this example is to shift the responsibility from you, to the people who want something to be different. That doesn’t mean we can’t help them; of course we may need to do just that. It just means we’re not accepting a problem dump on our desk without them having any participation in the solution. You can’t fix interpersonal relationships for people; the very best you can do is to fix those dysfunctions with them. In the end, it solves more problems, builds far stronger relationships, and cultivates greater communication skills — which builds trust and turns accountability into a positive, supportive, collaborative opportunity.