We talked last week about accountability, but what happens when someone fails to live up to their end of the bargain and it’s time for “the tough conversation?” Ouch!
A client of mine got a new job a couple months back, that, in many respects, was exactly what she asked for: Management Responsibility. It’s incredibly exciting; she loves the role and she’s building a proactive sales department out of a team that largely saw themselves as order-takers. But as much as she loves the job, one of those team members has proven to be…well…difficult. He doesn’t support the team, he fails to follow through on commitments, his CRM records are woefully out of date, and worst of all, clients and prospects have begun sending emails about his behavior and how they do not want to work with him. No one else in the company has ever received such an email — and he’s gotten three. Now, for someone who is kind and caring, who has given him the benefit of the doubt, who has worked hard to educate him to the benefits of the new systems and to understand his perspective, who’s tried to be creative on how to engage him in a manner that aligns with his values…this is hard to take. He resists accountability and proclaims the numbers should speak for themselves, but unfortunately, his numbers are silent and under performing everyone else on the team. And he still refuses to change course!
How do you bring up issues like that? How do you talk to someone who isn’t living up to their expectations or their responsibilities?
Three steps to start:
1. Give yourself permission to feel scared, sad, confused, hurt…whatever emotion you are experiencing. If you’ve done your best to be kind and they refuse to accept the hand up, you are going to feel things. And, more than likely, you are going to be nervous to engage in the impending tough conversation. That’s OK. Give yourself permission to feel those emotions without judgement. Why? Because if you can’t give yourself permission to be nervous, then you can’t give yourself permission to be strong. Own the whole of the experience, because only then can you put yourself in a position of real choice.
2. Build your momentum. Take stock of your successes, the increased performance of the rest of the team, the positive kudos the company is receiving, and the areas you’ve affected — like the quality of meetings you’re now running or the effective problem solving discussions that are moving issues forward. Own your strength and be courageous enough to acknowledge what you have done right, even if you feel like a failure with this one person. Own your wins so you can enter this conversation from a mindset that you are effective and successful. Let that be your foundation.
3. Find the fun. Let go of the negative. People like this are generally self-selecting. He likely doesn’t want to be there, but he won’t take the action of quitting because he’s got a good thing going; good money and benefits with little effort. Plus, he’s masterful at getting you to second guess yourself. As long as you hold the guilt for his behavior, he’s in charge. The moment you realize you are not responsible for his choices, you can find the fun, you can laugh with the absurdity of his behavior, you can simply call him out for his actions with facts and concrete examples. Only then will you see that you have real choice.
What can be the most difficult for some leaders is the realization that “being nice” is no longer the best path. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not permission to be mean. It’s permission to speak truth with facts and data, not excuses. It’s the courage to name behavior without couching it in softness like “everyone struggles,” or untruths like “I know you’ve been trying hard,” or complementing the occasional good thing he does so you don’t hurt his feelings. Remember that even a broken clock tells time correctly twice a day, so occasionally doing the right thing has little relevance if the rest of the record is a mess.
Like we talked about last week: We’re all afraid of accountability. It’s hard to be held accountable, but, as leaders, sometimes we have the more difficult job of holding someone else accountable — even if it’s not well-received. What difficult conversations do you need to have today? Perhaps these three steps can help.
If you want to go deeper, contact me for a free consult, and let’s explore your next steps together.
