Connecting Over Disagreements

Connecting Over Disagreements

Welcome to 2020!!! The year of clarity and perfect vision. What are you ready to see more clearly? We’re all faced with the reality that there is more division than ever in our country and we are having a hard time seeing our way out of it. What do you do when faced with loved ones who really draw different conclusions than you do about issues that matter to you? It’s often been said that emotional maturity means owning our emotions and opinions. If you do that honestly, self-reflectively, and critically, and you believe others have done the same, what does it mean if you draw different conclusions? Are one of you wrong? Perhaps. But is that really the issue at hand? Sometimes, the greater issue isn’t who is wrong — it’s how you connect with one another despite that differing conclusion. That’s when great leadership shows up. I’ve used this quote before, but it certainly applies again: Rumi said, “Out there beyond right and wrong is a field. I’ll meet you there.” As long as we see in terms of right and wrong, there is no chance for connection. So the question is, can you meet your ‘opponent’ there, in that field beyond? How can we see our way and build connection when we disagree so strongly? Abraham Lincoln was known for his ‘team of rivals’. When he was elected, he put together a team of people who disagreed with him in an attempt to understand the big picture. He wanted to see both sides. He sought honest connection out in that field of which Rumi speaks. That’s...
Do You Believe Anything is Possible for 2020?

Do You Believe Anything is Possible for 2020?

Can you believe it? Here we are again! Sitting on the edge of another New Year! Did 2019 go the way you planned? So what do you have in the works for 2020? Something big?! Survival? More of the same? Something completely different? I’m not asking about resolutions; resolutions, they say, have a short shelf life and fail by January 15. I’m asking about goals – things you are actually going to do. Remember, we tend to find exactly what we’re looking for – so be clear on what you are looking for. After all, the year will happen with or without your engagement. This time next year, you will be 366 days older (2020 is a leap year!). Will you be 366 days wiser? Time’s moving, so you might as well take the helm and steer the leadership of 2020 your way. Let me remind you of one BIG change that will make a ginormous difference: LANGUAGE. More specifically, switch from what you are trying to avoid to what you are trying to attract. Avoiding something doesn’t automatically mean you achieve its opposite. I saw a sign that said: “Hate has no business here!”  I love the sentiment, and of course we all get the meaning, but what are the big action words? “Hate” and “No.” What DOES have business there? If what we really want more of is Love and Yes, then say that. “YES! Our business here is LOVE!” Or “Join us if you want to give and experience LOVE.” Years ago, some of you will remember, my daughter did a science experiment studying the impact...
There’s Magic In The Air

There’s Magic In The Air

There’s magic in the air. This magic is all around us, so ubiquitous that, like water to a fish, we can easily miss it. We might simply NOT notice it. It shows up in all kinds of forms. Intuition — that feeling in our gut, that small still voice speaking quietly in our head and heart, a “sign” like in Sleepless in Seattle when Meg Ryan’s dress splits and she says “It’s a sign.” Or a literal road side sign that points you in a direction you never knew you wanted to go, like the largest ball of paint, or the future birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk, or in my case a sign that read “Last Remaining Pony Express Station.” You weren’t looking for it, you didn’t know you wanted to go there, and yet that magic, that small still voice nudges you, and before you know it, you turn to your travel partner and inform them you are taking a detour. Then, it leads you on a journey you could never have planned, not with a 1,000 AAA Triptiks (the Google Maps of the early 90’s, for you youngins) Are you listening? Are you quiet enough to hear?   Photo by Cristian Escobar on...
The “C’s” of Life Can Be Tumultuous & Rough

The “C’s” of Life Can Be Tumultuous & Rough

Navigating the “C’s” of leadership and change can be hard, because those C’s are made up of challenges, conflicts, chaos, calamities, complexities, cynicism, cruelty and more. And we’re expected to be the captain of our lives and the lives of others. How do we navigate that and not get worn down or cynical ourselves? Well…carefully, I guess. Let’s break down a few of those dangerous seas — I mean C’s — and see how we navigate their challenges. Conflict is a tumultuous sea because it’s a clash of values. Each side wants something that is important to them, that they hold dear, or at least hold as more desirable than what the other person wants. Ultimately, conflict forces a choice. The question is, are those choices conscious?  Are you conscious about what you feel, what you are reacting to, how you see the other person, or the story you are making up in your head about what “winning or losing” means? If not, get conscious about these things. They are your insight and your power. Without choice, conflict just feels Chaotic, almost like things don’t make any sense, that the “facts” don’t add up. If they did, you think to yourself, there would be no conflict or chaos — because it would all make sense. If you find yourself flailing around in this “C,” grab the life ring of Curiosity. In most instances, the disorientation of chaos can be easily calmed by asking powerful, positive questions that seek insight and understanding. Without that insight and understanding, you risk serious calamities. Like sailing on the real seas, Mother Nature will...
Connection IS the point

Connection IS the point

When I ask leaders what they give in their relationships with their team, the answers I most often hear back sound like support, trust, tools, authority to act…things that their position allows them to give. Sometimes, however, the most important thing we can give is the most vulnerable parts of ourselves.   Professional speakers like to say we’re not on the platform for us, but to serve our audience.  I’ve come to understand that that’s not wholly nor literally true. It’s got to be at least somewhat about us, doesn’t it? Because we stand here not as a puppet, but with an agenda of our own. We talk about the topics we care about, hoping to impact and influence the world in profound and meaningful ways. It’s got to be a little bit about us or we’re just mouthpieces for someone else’s words. We are there for us, and we are there for you, in an interconnected web. If it goes well, you will get something valuable — and I will, too. Even Servant Leadership is not a one-way street. If we can’t be vulnerable, ask for help (which is not the same as “help me reach this target/goal), or relate to the audience and their fears…if we can’t be where they are, we can’t get them where they are going. If we can’t let others in, feel their emotions, understand their needs, then we miss the gift that leadership really offers: the gift of connection.   Are you connecting with your team? Are you connecting with yourself? After all, we lead ourselves first, and it’s amazing how easy...
We Go Where We Focus

We Go Where We Focus

There’s a pattern I see that shows up everywhere. I’ve seen it in every organization I’ve worked with, and to some degree with every single client. That pattern is this: at some level, we have a tendency to see the negative in a negative situation. That might seem obvious to you. Of course you do, right? It’s a negative situation. So you see the negative. But the reality is almost every negative situation has a positive opportunity — we just don’t always see that part. The bottom line is, we find what we are looking for. If you focus on being afraid, you’ll find reasons to be afraid. If you focus on being angry, you’ll find reasons for being angry. And don’t get me wrong — it’s not that those reasons aren’t valid. There are very valid times to be scared, upset, angry. But does that always serve us? And how could we shift our world if we dared to focus on something else? When there’s a conflict at an organization, often the solution is to try and separate the conflicting parties. Just pull them apart — avoid the conflict. That’s easiest, right? But it accomplishes so little. It misses a powerful opportunity to connect and learn from each other. How can we get through conflict with connection instead of separation? This is a problem everyone faces, in personal relationships, at school, at work — and as you all probably are all too aware of, on the national level as well. The division in our culture is off the charts. But if we can’t solve this problem on a...