Recently a gentleman walked up to me after hearing me speak at a meeting and asked: “Can you coach anyone?” “Yes,” I replied, “anyone who wants to be coached that is.”
I went on to explain that if a wife is sending me her grumpy husband saying “FIX HIM!” the odds are not in my favor. If the grumpy husband, on the other hand, says “I’m tired of being grumpy,” that’s a different song. The old expression says: A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.
This fellow replied, “What if someone wants help but doesn’t believe it’s possible, they have already tried everything else, counseling, psychotherapy, and nothing works?!”
“Then I have one question for them,” I said, “Do they want their life to be different?”
“Yes, but…”
“But what? It’s a simple question. Do they want their life to be different?”
“Of course,” he said, “but they can’t see how.”
“I didn’t ask you if they could see how. I asked if they want their life to be different.”
It’s no different than when I teach people to ski, I ask if they want to learn and they usually reply: “Yes, but… I’m afraid.” I then clarify by saying that wasn’t my question and ask again, do you want to learn how to ski? Fear is a given, skiing is a dangerous sport. My question isn’t, are you afraid, my question is do you want to learn? “Yes,” they would say, “I want to learn.” Great, then I can teach you how to ski.
Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. —Martin Luther King
Too many people are anesthetizing their lives by the expression “Yes, but…”
Too many people are anesthetizing their lives by the expression “Yes, but…” Do you want a more fulfilling job? “Yes, but… I have a mortgage, kids, 15 years invested here.” Do you want to be married? “Yes, but… I’m 35, 45, 55 years old, if it was going to happen…” Do you want a happier marriage? “Yes, but… it is what it is, this is what you get after 20 years with the same person.” Do you want _________? If the answer is “Yes, but…” it’s time to change your perspective.
One of life’s secrets is: You get what you focus on. It’s that simple! If a person wants to learn to ski and they focus on getting hurt, the odds have it, they will get hurt. But if they focus on skiing safely, in control and wanting to love the sport, then that is what they will get! The same is true with any aspect of life. Focus on the reasons why something cannot be so and life will present all the supporting evidence needed to prove the case. However, if people ask themselves “what if it is possible…” “What if it is possible to find a more fulfilling job and still be able to support my family the way I have grown accustomed?” “What if I got to rekindle my marriage with a new level of excitement and passion than ever existed before?” “What if I could find the love of my life?” What would those things look like? Lock the “yes buts” in an iron box, bury it in the yard and simply entertain the question: What if…?
What if you could ask “What if…?” What would it hurt? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of setting yourself up for disappointment? Are you afraid of dreaming too big and not getting it? Is that possible? After all, isn’t it true that you already lack whatever it is you are envisioning? So what if you dream big and it doesn’t come true? You’ve lost nothing since you didn’t have it to begin with.
So what do you gain from asking “what if?” You gain perspective. If you can envision what you want, with such clarity that you can paint a picture of it, then you will start to feel the excitement of what is possible. If you can feel the excitement then that is what you will attract into your life. Does it happen overnight? No. Will it happen precisely as you have envisioned it? Maybe, maybe not. Does that matter? What if it turns out better? What if it turns out to be slightly less? Wouldn’t that still be better than the “Yes but…” you are living today?
Here’s the simple truth: “Yes, but…” is just a big rubber bumper people put around themselves to protect them from getting hurt. It’s like those big stay-puff marshmallow suits people wear to do that pseudo sumo-wrestling, body slamming stuff. In real life, “yes, but…” may protect you from getting hurt or disappointed, but have you ever tried to hug someone in one of those suits? Have you ever tried to get close or make love in one of the suits? I can imagine that it is an awful experience. You can’t touch, get close or feel anything. That’s what “yes, buts…” do to your life. Sure they may protect you from certain pains or hurts, but they block the great feelings as well.
So the next time you find yourself saying “yes, but…” to anything, no matter how logical it sounds, take a moment to stop and ask yourself “what if!” You are not obligated to follow the answer, but wow, wouldn’t it be nice to consider, even for a moment, if it was possible? If you can consider it, then, who’s to say it’s not possible? It’s time to wake up and do something different. Change your perspective and you change you life!
