We all carry stories — some beautiful, some bruising. We remember the moments we were overlooked, misunderstood, or flat-out wronged, as well as the times we did those things to others. And whether we realize it or not, those memories can pile up like emotional baggage: heavy, awkward, and often dragged into situations where they don’t belong.
I’ve seen it in coaching, leadership, and life: people carrying the past like it’s still happening, or like a punishment they are required to hold on to. But here’s the truth — when we grip too tightly to yesterday’s frustrations, we give them power over tomorrow’s potential.
Letting go doesn’t mean denying what happened. It doesn’t mean pretending everything’s fine or brushing pain under the rug. It means choosing not to let those old stories steer your future. And research backs this up.
Studies from the NIH show that unresolved daily stress can take a serious toll on our long-term health. Johns Hopkins Medicine researchers have found that forgiveness — of others and ourselves — reduces stress, anxiety, even blood pressure. The pain we hold onto is quite literally making us sick, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Beyond the science, here’s the human side of it: letting go is how we reclaim the pen. It’s how we start writing the story we want to live, not the one we feel stuck in.
As leaders, this mindset is critical.
Holding onto someone’s past mistake — or our own — can quietly poison a team. We misread people’s intentions. We assume the worst. We become less curious, less generous, and ultimately less effective.
When we instead lead with grace, curiosity, and a willingness to move forward, we foster trust. We invite growth. We become the kind of leader people want to follow, not just have to.
The past may shape us, but shapes shift, and the past doesn’t have to trap us. So ask yourself: What story am I still carrying that no longer serves me? Then take a deep breath… and start to let it go. How? Well, that’s a big question. But like eating the metaphorical elephant, it begins with small bites.
- Start with maybe making amends. Perhaps there’s an apology or repair in order — or an important conversation you’re avoiding.
- Figure out what to replace this past story with. We often hold on to the past because we can’t see an alternative to step into. We accept how it was for how it is and shall always be.
- Ask yourself this: what do you need to be able to forgive yourself? I find — for me and many of my clients — what we hang on to most is self-blame and criticism. Many of us find it far harder to forgive ourselves than others. Remember, it’s human to make mistakes. Yet it’s seldom the mistake that is the real problem; it’s what happens next. It’s when we fail to apologize, repair, or take ownership and responsibility that things really become a problem.
Find a way to start. And if you’ve been paying attention to these weekly pontifications, you can see my final thought coming from paragraphs away: If you don’t know what to do or how to do it, ask for help.
Photo by Devon Janse van Rensburg on Unsplash
