Remember that old joke about the married couple? There one where, after years of marriage, the wife turns to her husband and asks why he never tells her he loves her. Shocked, he replies, “What do you mean? I told you I loved you the day we got married. I promise, if anything ever changes, I’ll let you know.”
There’s a lesson in there for leaders because there is a dangerous myth in leadership: “If they’re doing their job, they don’t need a pat on the back or acknowledgment. If you haven’t told them they’re doing something wrong, they will obviously know everything is fine. Right?”
But here’s the truth: Saying, “I love you” — or its professional equivalent, recognition — is not optional. It’s not a bonus. It’s not fluff. It’s fuel.
When we fail to recognize people — not just when they go above and beyond, but when they show up with consistency, courage, and care — we send a subtle message: what you’re doing doesn’t matter, or you’re just invisible.
And that message is costly.
It costs us engagement. Trust. Retention. Creativity.
Because when people don’t feel seen, the risk is they stop offering the best parts of themselves. They don’t speak up with bold ideas. They stop pushing through challenges. They quiet down. They play it safe.
Recognition isn’t about flattery. It’s about connection. It’s a way of saying, I see you. I value who you are and what you bring. You matter here.
I’ve worked with leaders who assume — and have actually said the words — “Well, I didn’t say anything, so they must know it’s fine.” But silence rarely feels neutral or encouraging. It feels like indifference. And over time, that can breed resentment and burnout.
And let’s be clear: withholding recognition doesn’t just hurt individuals — it hurts teams. It creates a culture where people only get attention when something goes wrong. Where fear becomes the motivator instead of purpose or pride.
If that’s the case, why don’t more leaders offer recognition freely?
Sometimes it’s a time issue. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. But often, it’s a habit. We’re trained to fix problems, not celebrate progress.
But here’s the opportunity: build a new habit. Make recognition part of your leadership rhythm. Not just the big wins — call out the quiet, steady contributions, too. The teammate who asked a thoughtful question. The one who supported a colleague without fanfare. The one who is so steady and consistent they may as well be the Rock of Gibraltar. The small choice that nudged the team forward.
Recognition multiplies when it’s given. It’s not a currency you’ll run out of. In fact, the more you give, the more you get back in return.
So don’t hold it in. Say it. Share it. Celebrate it.
Because the cost of withholding recognition is far too high — and the return on investing it? That’s leadership gold.
Photo by Fauzan Saari on Unsplash
