Vulnerability Is…

Vulnerability Is…

… Leadership. To put it simply, if you are not willing to be wrong, not willing to be vulnerable, you’re not really leading. Doing only that which you know works from the past, or leading only those who agree with you, is not leading. To lead is to be vulnerable, to step into the unknown, to engage with those that disagree. To be vulnerable is to risk being interpreted differently than you interpret yourself. To be vulnerable is to be authentic and genuine, and risk others interpreting that authenticity in a negative or disagreeable way. It’s risking getting hurt — it’s risking hurting others (not intentionally, of course). To be vulnerable is to trust that those experiencing you will believe the best about you, even if you don’t quite say or do it right; and if they don’t, the willingness to be vulnerable is the willingness to be okay with that.  It’s hard, isn’t it? I personally feel very vulnerable at the thought of putting out political opinions in a public and social way. Even writing here that I am vulnerable about that — makes me feel vulnerable. I have this instinct to protect myself from the kind of criticism I see others receive, and fear how might be judged. But if I have to protect something, I can’t be fully authentic, can I? Protecting how I’m perceived keeps me from being genuinely real, and to lead myself and others I must first and foremost be real, yes? If we hold back to prevent that vulnerability, we are holding back what might well be the very best we have to give. Heck, there are atheists, right? So even God can’t win them all....
People Who Enhance Us

People Who Enhance Us

I’m not walking around with just my left or my right side — or just my front without my back. So I don’t believe our spouse ‘completes’ us. I’ve never believed that. We are, each of us, whole, complete people, so another person ‘completing’ us just doesn’t make sense in my mind. You know what our spouse does (ideally, anyway)? They enhance us.  It’s like when you have blue eyes and you wear that perfect shade of blue shirt, and your eyes just pop! The shirt didn’t change your eye color. But your eyes were enhanced.  Of course, in a real relationship, it’s not just our good qualities that get enhanced, is it? In fact, when we’re with people we’ve chosen to spend our lives with, they can make our negative qualities that much more clear too, because we give over to that relationship our entirety — not just part of us, but all of us (remember? we come complete and whole). We can’t give just part of us, we come as a packaged set — the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. And we enter into relationship anyway. Why? Because those we come to trust, we are willing to show our weaknesses as well as our strengths. We’re willing to be vulnerable and not run away — even if at times we want to. We’re willing to be in a relationship where all our greatness (which we often can’t even see) and all our insecurities (which we fear are glaring) are respected, honored, appreciated, accepted. Like my best friend Tom says: “Friends are people who know all about us and love us anyway.” Spouses, too.  And that goes for leaders...
Life Is Not Zero Sum

Life Is Not Zero Sum

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin Why do we so often treat life like a zero-sum game… …that any win you get is a loss for me? If you’re right, I must be wrong, black-white, yes-no, my way or the highway, you’re either with me or against me… life, business, politics, families, are so often treated adversarially, like competitors, but that approach couldn’t be more wrong.   Crap, I did it again: right/wrong…this is hard, isn’t it? I think the problem begins by seeing everything as a game: the game of politics, business, Thrones…and the mindset of games is to win. But they’re not games. And winning at life has a whole different meaning than it does in, say, ping pong. In life and all its manifestations, it’s more a matter of whether you actually stay in the “game.” Like the Lottery, “You’ve gotta play to win,” and if you’re not playing, you can’t win. So staying in the game truly is paramount.  Take business: it’s a long game, not a short one, or what James Carse calls the Infinite vs the Finite Game. The problem with the shortsighted nature of winning and losing is it forces everyone to measure only by their strength, or whatever factor puts them ahead. You can’t be first in everything, and first in anything never lasts — otherwise Michael Jordan never would have missed a shot. Just look at the companies Jim Collins profiled in Good To Great. They virtually all fell from greatness, and he had to write a new book.   A long game, the Infinite Game, is about our...
I Couldn’t Face My Contract

I Couldn’t Face My Contract

Just because it’s obvious to you, doesn’t mean it’s obvious to them. This could be true professionally, personally or otherwise (is there an otherwise?). What seems so obvious from the outside can be invisible from the inside. Here’s an example. Remember the course I audited and wrote about last week?  Well, I was so hooked I went back for the follow-up program: a 4-day workshop that turned out to be one of the most difficult challenges of my life.  The objective in this program was to write a contract with yourself; something that would hold you up to, you know, the person your dog thinks you are. As you can imagine, I actively participated and was wholly engaged in this fantastic program. When it came time to write this contract, however, that which we’d been working towards for four days — it should have been simple. We’d already done the work. But, for some reason, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see it. This was difficult work, facing our truths about ourselves, owning who we really are and how we show up in the world. But when it came time to write my contract, something we were supposed to put into the positive, the truth of our higher self, I had an extraordinarily hard time articulating what my ‘contract with myself’ would be. The facilitator saw me struggling, so she came over to ask what the problem was. “I just can’t get there,” I said dejectedly. “I have no idea.” And, if you can believe it — she laughed! “Interesting. I expected yours to be the easiest of the class! You’ve been saying it over and over,” she said. “We all...
Did You Ask How It Works?

Did You Ask How It Works?

When I first heard about coaching, my impression of it (as I mentioned last week) was that it was a bit of an inbred profession — coaches coaching coaches and people who wanted to be coaches.  I struggled to find people who were effectively doing it in the real world to change real lives for real people.  Despite that, I was intrigued and insatiably curious about the theory of it — the idea behind it seemed right, and very much in line with my personality and objectives, but I needed to see real examples. I needed to witness it — or at least that’s what I told myself. That’s when I came across the “Wings” seminars in Eugene. These were deep-dive weekend coaching programs, and I decided to attend — purely observationally, of course. I mean, I didn’t “need” coaching, so I wasn’t going because I wanted to “fix” something in my life, I just wanted to study the science of coaching — observationally, you know, quietly from the back of the room kinda thing. This made perfect sense to me. I’m someone who likes to know how things work. I want to tinker under the hood and see the real connections, how one thing affects another — the art and the science of things. For instance, recently I started drinking coffee in the form of lattes and cappuccinos, and now all of a sudden I just really want to learn how to brew the perfect espresso with just the right flavor, and how to make coffee art (which is really hard by the way). I mean, drinking a perfect cappuccino is fun, but understanding what makes it great, to me, is so much better.  I like...

How To Find Your Motivation

“I’m having a hard time staying motivated!” “I lack the energy.” “Ughhh.” Sound familiar? It’s quite the common refrain of folks who seek out coaching. When we hate our job, or feel lost or out of control, it’s motivation (or the lack thereof) that’s often to blame. And many of us understand that motivation is an inside job. No one can motivate us but us. They can inspire us, teach us, maybe even threaten us, but we are motivated by the things that matter to us — not by the external forces. So how do you tap into it when it appears nowhere in sight? It’s all about reframing. If you’re not motivated to complete a project, it’s usually because you don’t care about that project. So reframe it, and tie it to something you do care about. If you’re a relationally-motivated person who’s stuck doing a job that’s not relational at all, find a different connection.  Remind yourself: This is not a data entry project that I’m doing to get a paycheck. No way; that’s simply not motivating. Rather: This is a project I’m in charge of because my boss trusted me with it. My boss and my team care about me, and if I can do this well I will make their lives easier. Now that dull project is about the relationships you have at work, and if relationships are what drive you, well, you’ve just built yourself a lot more motivation. It doesn’t have to be relationships. Take some time to reflect on what really motivates you, the parts of your job and/or life that make you smile and feel joy. Name those and some of the underlying reasons why they have this impact...